Ganun siguro talaga ang buhay. May mga pagkakataong mabibigo ka pagkatapos ay mabibigo ka ulit at mabibigo na namang muli. Pero dapat mo lang siguraduhin na sa tuwing nabibigo ka ay dapat natututo ka ring bumangon at tumanaw ng panibagong pag-asang maaring dumating. 

Bagsak na naman ako sa exam. This is my second time to take the test pero hindi pa rin ako pumasa. Hindi ko alam kung sadyang bobo lang ba ako at tanga o hindi talaga ‘to para sakin.

Gusto ko maging masaya para sa best friend ko kasi nakapasa siya pero hindi ko magawa. Ang sakit sakit lang para sa akin na hindi ako nakapasa. Alam ko namang hindi pa ito ang katapusan ng lahat pero hindi ko na alam kung paano haharapin yung mga taong naniwala na papasa ako tapos hindi pala. Nakakatawa lang isipin yun.

Hindi ko rin naman alam kung ano bang gusto kong gawin sa sarili ko eh. Hindi ko na alam kung anong pangarap ko. Kung saan ako magsisimula o kung hanggang dito nalang ba natatapos ang lahat.

Sana bukas ng umaga maging masaya na ako para sa sarili ko.

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Pangarap Kong Maging Manunulat

Pangarap kong maging manunulat
Sumulat ng iba't-ibang istorya.
Istoryang may iyakan, tawanan at pag-iibigan.

Ngunit nang bigla kang dumating
at niyanig ang buo kong pagkatao
Ay parang unti-unting nabuo
Ang bawat salita sa kwento kong ito.

Hindi ko alam
Kung hanggang kailan ako makakatagal
Hahayaan nalang bang maubos ang salita
O ang tinta ng panulat?
Para masabi ko sa sarili kong tama na
O muli ba akong susugal 
Para sa panibagong takbo ng ating istorya

Istoryang nagsimula sa asaran
Na maaring magtapos sa pagkailangan
Bawat istorya ay binubuo ng simula, gitna at wakas
Sa simula kung saan akala ko may pag-asa
Sa kalagitnaang pilit pa ring kumakapit sa katiting na pag-asa
At ang wakas na hindi pa man nagsisimula sa umpisa 
Ay maaring magwakas nalang bigla.

 

Hey You!

Another letter I’ll never send to you. 

Hey D! Kamusta ka na? It’s been so long since nagstop ako magsulat about sa’yo. Siguro kasi at some point I’ve learned to let you go even though I know you were never mine. Pero kung nakamove on na nga ako bakit nagsusulat pa rin ako about sa’yo ngayon? Kasi in a few days iiwan mo na talaga ako. Lilipad ka na papunta sa ibang bansa kasama ng pamilya mo at iba pang mahal sa buhay. I’m really happy for you at least ngayon mabubuo na talaga kayo.

Hindi ko alam kung after ilang years eh makikita pa kita. Gusto ko nga sanang magkausap tayo before kang umalis pero hindi talag inaadya ng tadhana eh. So this is my only way of saying goodbye to you.

Thank you so much for everything D! For the friendship, for being my inspiration. Dahil sa’yo nakapagsulat ako ng iba’t-ibang kadramahan, and because of that I grew fond of writing. Salamat sa lahat ng tawanan at sakit. Salamat sa pagbibigay sakin ng pag-asa na nawala rin naman bigla na parang isang bula. Thank you for unintentionally hurting me because that made me strong. Thank you for teaching me how to love kahit sa malayong paraan lang. Salamat dahil ikaw ang unang nagbukas ng isipan ko na mas makilala pa Siya. Bata ka palang talagang mananampalataya ka na. And that’s one thing I loved about you and alam ko na saan ka man Niya dalhin you will always be a firm and loyal servant of God. 

See you when I see you nalang. I’m gonna miss you a lot.

 

with love and care,

p

Working Girl

Yes, you read it right. May work na rin ako sa wakas. After almost a year of searching and hoping, nagkaroon din ako ng trabaho.

I’m happy with my job and my co-workers but sometimes naiisip ko pa rin na sana estudyante nalang ako ulit, mas madali pala yun. This phase is the start of adulthood and I don’t think I’m ready yet.

Being an adult comes with great sense of responsibility and courage.  At kung lagi kayong nagbabasa sa blog ko, malalaman niyo na agad na hindi pa ako ready sa ganun.

Not that I’m bragging pero I have always lived na hindi gaanong nahihirapan, hindi man makuha lahat ng gusto but most of it nakukuha ko. Now I’ve realized kung anong mga paghihirap ang kailangan nating pagdaanan just to earn money. Struggle na nga yung paghahanap ng work, struggle din lalo yung araw-araw magtrabaho. But what can we do right? We have to make a living not just for ourselves but also for our family. At least man lang in my small ways mapalitan ko yung paghihirap sa akin ng magulang. I just wished all of us will realize this. Hindi birong magpaaral ng ilang taon at lalong hindi biro kung patuloy tayong umaasa sa mga magulang natin kahit na kayang-kayang kaya na nating buhayin angsarili natin. They are not getting any younger. We must make a living for them now, not the other way around.

It’s been a while

Yow. HI. It’s been a while.

Gawd. I really missed writing here.

Wala naman talaga akong topic na isusulat. I just felt na kailangan ko lang magsulat. Random thoughts, maybe?

Dati tuwang-tuwa ako everytime na nagsusulat ako dito. Well, not exactly na tuwang-tuwa dahil malungkot naman ako everytime na nandito ako sa wordpress. But writing here always gives me a sense of relief kaya nakakatuwa pa rin.

Anyways, these past few days I’ve been thinking kung ano bang plano ko sa buhay na ito. Hahaha. I really don’t know what to do with my life. Actually I’m a bit disappointed with myself kasi hindi ako nakapasa sa civil service exam. Lakas pa ng loob ko kasi feeling ko papasa ko. Hindi naman masyadong mahirap yung exam kung tutuusuin pero time pressured lang talaga. Gusto kong umiyak ng umiyak that time dahil hindi lang naman sarili ko ang nadisppoint ko kundi pati mga tao sa paligid ko.

I’m really having a hard time. Hindi ko na kasi alam gagawin ko. I can’t seem to find a motivation to do something. Tapos heto pa rin ako wala pa ring trabaho. I really want to start working na pero natatakot pa rin ako. When fear starts to creep in wala na akong magawa. Laging feeling ko na I’m not good enough, na Hindi ko kaya. Ewan ko bakit ganito kababa yung self-esteem ko. Nakakainis na nga rin minsan eh. I have always been afraid of rejections. Masakit naman kasi. Kaya siguro hindi rin ako masyadong nagtatry kasi nga takot ako mareject.

I want to be a better person this year pero umpisa palang ng taon failed na agad ako. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. I need to do something. I need to be better. I need to start working. I need to be fearless. I need to be strong. Most importantly, I need to find a way to be happy.

Be ready to love a girl who’s been single for a long time.

(Credits to: candymag.com)

Be ready to love a girl who’s been single for a long time.

I have to warn you. She’s strong, independent. She is not needy. She’s practical, wise, smart, brave. You can’t fool her so easily. She can sense if your intention is pure. So be careful about that. If you have any plans of playing with her feelings, I suggest you to quit, run. She won’t care about your foolish plans.

Be ready to love a girl who’s been single for a long time because it’s like you’re taming a wild beast.

Your flowery words will not easily get through her. She’ll smile when you say those cheesy lines but she’s not going to let it stay in her mind. You can show how chivalrous and how much of gentleman you are but to her, those are just shallow acts of kindness. She’ll appreciate them but trust me, she prefers you don’t do them again because for the longest time, she’s doing those things on her own. She can carry her bag, pull her own chair whenever you go on dinner dates, tie her shoes, go down the car without your hands waiting to take hers so she can go down safe.

Although she’s like that, keep in mind that she values all the little things you’re doing for her. She has your smile in her mind. She knows the sound of your laughter. She can recognize the sound of your footsteps. She can describe you through words or stories in one seating. She’s doing this because by the time all these little things become more meaningful to her, it will be you. It’s going to be you.

It’s going to be you she’ll look for in a crowd. Wait for that time until she’ll wake up one morning and your text message is the first thing she wants to read.

Wait until the time she’s ready. Wait until everything gets inside her—mind and heart.

Know that falling in love with a girl who’s been alone all this time is the hardest thing to do. She’s strong and never, ever try to change her. You can tame her but never change who she was before she met you. No matter how hard she is to handle, no matter how long it is before you can break all the walls that she built, it will be worth it. She’s worth your time and effort, so never give up. Pay attention to whatever she’s doing and saying because through this you will know that she’s precious, genuine, and worth all the love this world can offer.